Most of us assume the loudest person in the room is the most confident. In a recent episode of the ActionCOACH Business Growth Podcast, Natalie Abou-Alwan made the case for the opposite, and it is a lesson every business owner and leader should hear.
Natalie is an Oxford graduate who has served as general counsel across several businesses, including JPMorgan Chase and BP. She has spent more than two decades on high-pressure trading floors, was named a Rising Star on the Legal 500 Powerlist, and is the author of How to Navigate Your Career Like a Legend. Her central idea is simple: what looks like ego is usually insecurity, and humility is what separates real leaders from bad bosses.
Insecurity is loud
Natalie says she has learned far more from bad leaders than good ones, and the common thread among the bad ones was a lack of humility. Leaders who artificially inflate themselves are rarely as confident as they appear. In her words, "insecurity is loud", so the bigger someone makes themselves, the more insecure they probably are.
The legends she writes about have the opposite quality. They see themselves as part of the team rather than above it, yet they still inspire the people around them. That combination is what earns lasting respect.
How to handle a toxic boss without wrecking your career
Confronting a toxic leader head-on, especially early in your career, can feel like career suicide. Natalie's answer is to build what she calls a personal boardroom: a small group of trusted people who will give you honest, constructive challenge rather than simply cheering you on.
Your boardroom might include colleagues who know both you and your boss, former managers you respect, and friends or family who have seen every side of your character. When negative feedback lands, you test it with them. If it is fair, you work on it. If it is not, you can see the game being played more clearly and stop taking it so personally.
She shared an example of a senior colleague who quietly told an influential person that Natalie lacked interpersonal skills, without ever raising it with her directly. It is a classic case of negative "propaganda" spreading through an organisation. What undid it was simple: Natalie had a strong, honest relationship with the person who was told, and the truth came out. As she puts it, when in doubt, tell the truth.
What if the insecure leader is you?
This is the uncomfortable question at the heart of the conversation. Most of us have had a toxic boss, but most of us have also been toxic at some point, often without meaning to and usually under pressure.
Natalie's advice starts with acknowledgement. Turn the mirror on yourself and be honest. Then ask three questions:
- Why am I feeling insecure about this?
- Where has it come from?
- What can I do to take the power back?
Insecurity drains your power, so the work is about identifying those weak spots and steadily strengthening them. It will not be fixed overnight. Natalie compares it to training as an athlete: some days are hard, some are easier, and both are part of building resilience. And if you have handled a situation badly, go back to the person, own it and explain what you meant to say.
Vulnerability is the antidote
Letting your guard down tells the people around you that things are safe, and it tells your own brain the same. Natalie describes vulnerability as shedding pent-up energy that is not doing you any good. Only when you can be compassionate with yourself, respect yourself and value yourself can you genuinely do the same for others. Leaders who cannot do that for themselves end up paying lip service, and the veneer soon cracks.
Sponsoring vs mentoring
One of the standout ideas from the episode was Natalie's distinction between two often-confused roles:
- Mentoring helps a person come to their own conclusion that they are capable and talented.
- Sponsoring means telling everyone else how good that person is.
She illustrates it with a story from her book. Marilyn Monroe admired Ella Fitzgerald, who was struggling to get booked in mainstream Hollywood clubs at a time of racial barriers. Monroe told the manager of the Mocambo Club that if he booked Ella, she would sit at the front table every night and bring the press with her. He agreed, and it helped launch Fitzgerald's mainstream career. Monroe had nothing to gain. She simply recognised a struggle she understood and used her influence to open a door.
That is the opposite of the "queen bee" behaviour Natalie wrote about in her first LinkedIn article on women who do not help other women at work, a piece that clearly struck a nerve with tens of thousands of readers.
In practice, sponsorship can be as simple as noticing the quieter voice in a meeting whose few words changed the whole decision, and crediting them publicly. A leader who does that is showing they are secure enough not to need the credit themselves. Take self-interest out of it and trust in your leadership goes up.
Always take the stairs
The first chapter of Natalie's book is about checking your ego at the door, and she placed it first deliberately to set the tone for everything that follows. Another chapter, Always Take the Stairs, is about resisting the quick fix. A lift is fast, but you can get stuck in it, and it can send you straight back to the ground floor. The stairs are slower, but when you reach the top you can see every step you took to get there. That is how resilience is built: one step at a time.
Saying "I don't know"
Early in her career on the trading floor, Natalie was told that traders smell fear. If you do not know the answer, say so and go and find it. Do not bluff, because people will see straight through it. More than 20 years on, she still calls it the best advice she has received. Being secure enough to say "I don't know" builds far more trust than pretending to know everything.
Work or network?
Natalie used to believe that keeping her head down and working hard would be enough to get noticed. It is not. Equally, people who spend all their time networking without substance do not last. You need both. As she puts it, you need to know your stuff, and you need to be known to know your stuff. Work out who in your organisation needs to know you and your work, and make time for those conversations.
Your first action
Natalie's challenge to listeners is to find a quiet moment, take the noise out and have an honest look at yourself. Notice what comes up, whether that is stress at work or worries at home, and ask which parts of it you can actually control. It is a lesson she learned the hard way after losing her father when she was 19: you cannot control everything, but you can control how you respond.
Key takeaways for business owners and leaders
- Treat loud, inflated behaviour, in others and yourself, as a likely sign of insecurity rather than confidence.
- Build a personal boardroom of people who will tell you the truth, and test feedback with them before taking it to heart.
- If you have handled something badly, go back and own it.
- Listen for the quieter voice in your next meeting and credit them publicly. That is sponsorship.
- Be honest when you do not know something.
- Do great work, and make sure the right people know about it.
If you are dealing with a difficult culture, leading a team, or working on your own blind spots, this conversation is well worth your time. Watch the full episode below.
